Jokes

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)
A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.

A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.

Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)

Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.

These need to be written.
Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.
Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.

Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.

Depending on where you live, students will enjoy this one.
Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi.

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!

The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)

Riddles of Alphabet
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."
The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."

Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.

Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.

Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.

The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!

This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.
I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.(No-eye deer)

ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".

Ridlle

Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
A: Lunch and supper.

Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window?
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
Q: Why did the man put the clock in the safe?
A: He wanted to save time.

Q: What has two hands and a face, but no arms and legs?
A: A clock.
Q: What has a neck, but no head?
A: A bottle.
Q: Where is the ocean the deepest?
A: On the bottom.

Q: Why did the man throw his watch out of the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly.

Q: What State in the United States is High in the middle and round at the ends?
A: Ohio.

Q: "There were some twins. One was twenty, the other was twenty 2. One married the other. How can be this ?"
A: "One was twenty, the other twenty too. One was a priest so he married the other"
PS: These sentences must be asked orally .Pronunciation is important. (too = 2)

Q: How do you spell mousetrap?
A: C-A-T.

This one should be spoken.
Q: How many legs does an ant have?
A: Two, the same as an uncle.
(HINT: ant = aunt)

Q: How many people are buried in that cemetery?
A: All of them.


Q: What can't be used until it's broken?
A: An egg.

Q: What do tigers have that no other animals have?
A: Baby tigers.

Q: What is Black and white and read (red) all over?
A: A newspaper

Q: Why is number six afraid ?
A: Because seven eight nine (seven ate nine)

Q: How do you know when a motorcycle policeman is happy?
A: He has bugs on his teeth!

Q: What did zero say to eight?
A: Nice belt.
(The 8 looks like a 0 with a belt around its waist.)

Q: What did number 1 say to 7?
A: Nice hair

In the alphabet...
Q: Which is the most self-centered letter of the alphabet?
A: "i" (I)
Q: Which letter is always trying to find reasons?
"y" (Why?")

Q: Which letter is not me?
A: U.

Q: What letter can do the work in one day that you can do in two days?
A: W (Double u- Double you)
Q: Why don't we need a compass at the North Pole?
A: Because every direction is south.

Q: Why is the A like a flower?
A: Because the B is after it.

Why is the letter "A" like noon?
Because it's in the middle of the day.

Q: "What letter of the alphabet has got lots of water?"
A: "The C"

Q: "What letter of the alphabet is always waiting in order?"
A: "The Q. (queue)

Q: What has two heads, four eyes, six legs and a tail?
A: A horse and its rider.

Q: What is as big as a horse but doesn't weigh anything?
A: The horse's shadow.

Q. Why was the hearse horse hoarse?
A. Because of the coffin

Q: Why are man with pierced ears better suited for marriage?
Q: Because they have suffered and bought jewelry.

Q: What begins with T, ends with T and has T in it?
A: A teapot.

Q: Do you know why birds fly to south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk there.

Q: Why do birds fly south in the fall?
A: Because it's too far to walk!

Q: Which letters do Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday have in common?
A: None! None of them have "c", "o","m" or "n" in them.

I tried this one with Japanese university students. They understood all the words and enjoyed it.
Q: What are the 3 important rings in life?
A: Engagement ring, Wedding ring, and suffering.

Q: Which room has no doors, no windows.
A: A mushroom.

Q: What gets wetter as it dries?
A: A towel

Q: A man rode into town on Tuesday. Two days later he rode home on Tuesday. How is this possible?
A: His horse's name is Tuesday.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He didn't have anybody to take. (any BODY)

Q: A father and his son were in a car accident. The father died. The son was taken to the hospital. The doctor came in and said: I can't do surgery on him, because he's my son. Who was the doctor?
A: The doctor was his mother.
It's an old riddle that is more difficult in some countries than in others.

Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school?
A: Because he/she was going to high school!
Q: Why did the tomato blush?
A: Beacuse it saw the salad dressing!

Q: What are the two strongest days of the week?
A: They are Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weak (week) days.

Q: How far can a dog run into the forest?
A: Halfway, after that he is running out of the forest.

Q: What do you call a bear without an "ear"?
A: BBBBBBB

Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.

A: How many apples can you eat if your stomach is empty?
B: 4 or 5
A: No, that's wrong, because after eating one apple your stomach isn't empty.

If you are doing a discussion about space, then students will like this one.
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
A: To find Pluto.

Q: What is the differnce between the capital of Russia and a calf's mother?
A: One is Moscow, the other is a cow's Ma.
(It needs to be spoken to understand it.)

Q: What do you call a Spaniard who can't find his car?
A: Carlos
It's pronounced "carless" (meaning without a car)

Q: What's the difference between electricity and lightening?
A: You don't have to pay for lightening.

This riddle may be used when teaching a lesson on occupations.
Q: What's the difference between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ?
A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN.


Q: What part of your body disappears when you stand up?
A: Your lap. (good for phrasal 'stand up', and 'laptop', lap-dog, etc.)

Q: What do you call a witch at the beach?
A: A sandwich.

Q: Why did the trafic signal turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

Q: What's the difference between a lion with toothache and a wet day?
A: One's roaring with pain the other's pouring with rain

Q: Why are baseball stadiums so cool?
A: There is a fan in every seat.

My Spanish-speaking students got a kick out of this one.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks 3 languages?
A: (Try to elicit responses..) Tri-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks two languages?
A: (Many of them know this one) Bi-Lingual.
Q: What do you call a person who speaks one language?
A: An American!

Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh.
(Hint: No "eye" = No "i")

Q: What has thirteen hearts but no body and no soul?
A: A pack of playing cards.
Q: What do you call a fish that only cares about himself?
A: Selfish.

Q: Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?
A: Because the teacher was Hayden.
(Hayden --> Hidin' --> Hiding)

Q. What's a minimum?
A. A very small mother!
(mini-mom)

Q: Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
A: Because it's two-tired (too tired)

Q: What do you get if you cross a pig with a karate fighter?
A: Pork chops.

Q: What's got a head and a tail, but no body?
A: A coin.
Q: What's got a wave but no sea?
A: My hair.

Q: What has three feet but no legs or arms?
A: A yard.

Q: Where does a boxer who weighs 135 kilograms sit on a bus?
A: Wherever he wants to.

What makes "oom" and gives milk?
A cow walking backwards.

Q: What does a man say when he walks into a bar?
A: Ouch!

Q: Where does Dracula stay when he goes to New York City?
A: The Vampire State building.
Q: What do cows like to read?
A: The mooooospaper
Q: What is the longest word?
A: Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s.

Re-worded by another teacher.
Q: What's the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (Because there's a mile between the first and the last letter.)

A: What is the word that everybody always says wrong?
B: "Wrong".

Q: What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
A: Short

A: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
B; Rubber-band -- because it streches.

Q. How many seconds are there in one year?
A. Twelve. January second, February second, March second...

Q. What two days of the week start with the letter "T"?
A. Tuesday and Thursday? NO, today and tomorrow!

Q: What did the doughnut say to the loaf of bread?
A: If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn't be hanging around this hole.

Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?
A: Because it was a little horse. (hoarse)

Q: What did the undertaker die of?
A: Coughin' (coffin)

Q: Why can't a nose be twelve inches?
A: Because then it would be a foot.

Q: How do porcupines kiss each other?
A: Very carefully.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.

Q: What has teeth but can't bite?
A: A Comb.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.

Q. Why did the turkey cross the road?
A. Because the chicken was on vacation.

Q. Why did the baby cross the road?
A. Because it was stapled to the chicken.

Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A: To get to the other slide!


A: Why did the chewing-gum cross the road?
B: Because it was stuck to the chickens foot.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the possum it could be done.

Q: Why do people call their own language their mother tongue?
A: Because their fathers seldom get a chance to use it.
NOTE: For this to be funny, students need to understand that in many cultures women have the image of speaking so much that their husbands seldom have a chance to say anything.
Q: A big moron and a little moron are walking across a bridge when the big moron falls off. Why didn't the little moron fall off?
A: He was a little more on.


Q: Name one eight letter word that has kst in the middle, in the beginning, and at the end.
A: "Inkstand", "in" is at the beginning, "kst" is in the middle, and "and" is at the end.

Q: When does a dialect become a language?
A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.

Q: What is a Honeymoon Salad?
A: Lettuce alone without any dressing.

Q: Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
A: Because of all the sandwiches (sand which is) there.
Submitted by Shad Schroeder

Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
Submitted by maggie

Q: What would the pig say when its tailed was held tight by the farmer who had a sharp knife in his other hand?
A: "That's the end of me!"

Q: Do you know where people send a horse when it is sick?
A: To a horsepital.
Q: What did the doctor say when the invisible man called to make an appointment?
A: Tell him I can't see him today.

Q: Which 'BUS' could cross the ocean?
A: Columbus!

Q: What a bee says when it gets in the hive?
A: Hi Honey! I'm home!

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut !


A: Why did the boy balloon chase the girl balloon?
Q: Because he wanted to see her bust!

Q: What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A: fsh (No letter "i", so no i's.)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea. (No eye deer)
Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
A: Still no idea.

Q: Where do cows go for entertainment?
A: They go to the mooovies!

Q: What animal is it that has four legs a tail and flies?
A: A dead horse!
A: What is the difference between a mail box and an elephant?
B: I don't know.
A: I'm not going to give you any letters to post then!

Q: What do you call 'a fly' without wings?
A: You call it 'a walk.'
Submitted by Makaron

I saw this on a web-site of musician jokes. It's not original, but I thought I would share it. Here it is:
Q: What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.


Q: What color is a guitar string?
A: Plink!
(It is the sound the a guitar makes. The word sounds like the color "pink.")


What goes "ZUB, ZUB"?
A bee flying backwards.(Buz,Buz)


(After teaching about telling time)
Teacher: What time is it?
Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?
Teacher: Nope.
Students: About nine o'clock?
Teacher: No.
Students: What then?
Teacher: It's time to go home.
Submitted by Kier Bass

Q: What did one light bulb say to another light bulb?
A: You are the light of my life.
Submitted by brenda "la chuca"

Q: Why did the golfer take and extra pair of pants for his Saturday round of golf?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
Submitted by Leah Davis

Q. Why did the golfer wear two pairs of trousers?
A. In case he got a hole in one!
Submitted by Lesley Morgan

Q: What flowers have two lips?
A: Tulips
Q: They travel all over the world but end up in the corner, what are they?
A: Stamps

Q: Why didn't the farmer cry when his dairy cow fell off the cliff?
A: There's no use crying over split milk.


Q: Ten copycats were sitting in a boat, and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None. They were all copycats.
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches. A jailer watches cells.

Q: What is a bachelor?
A: A man who never Mrs. (misses) anyone.

Q: Why do cows have bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.


This one may be difficult for some ESL students since it requires knowing the words "seagul", "bay" and "bagel"
Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!

Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and an English textbook?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on a trampoline.

Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?
A: Shoot nine of them.
(Use as an example of the insult variety of jokes.)

Q: Why were the little drops of ink crying?
A: Their mother was in the pen and they did not know how long her sentence would be.


Q: How many sheep does it take to make one wool sweater?
A: I didn't even know sheep could knit!
Q: What's a teacher's favorite nation?
A: Expla-nation.
Q: What's the most colorful state of U.S.A.?
A: Color-ado.


Q: In what state does it cost the most to live in?
A: Expennsylvania.


Q: What did the cannibal who was late for dinner get?
A: The cold shoulder.


A Christmas time joke for grammar classes:
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Why bother, he won't come anyway.

Q: How do you top a car?
A: Tep on the brake, tupid!

Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including "y" ?
A: Unquestionablely!


Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk.


Vocabulary Quiz:
Q: What is the longest word in the English language?
A: Smiles. (There is a mile between the first letter and the last letter.)
Information Quiz:
Q: What is the tallest building in our town?
A: The library. (It has the most stories.)

Q: If you are Russian before you enter the bathroom and Finnish after you leave the bathroom, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
A: European. (You're a-peein'.)

This riddle may be good for high-level science majors.
Q: What do you call a test tube that graduates from high school?
A: A graduated cylinder

Q: How did Jonah feel after he got swallowed by a fish?
A: Down in the mouth.
Q: What did the monk say to the hotdog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.


Maybe only appropriate for more mature students.
Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: Dam!


Q: A man was locked in a room with only a bed, a calendar, and a piano. How did he drink, how did he eat, and how did he get out? Another man was locked in a room with only a mirror and a table. How did he get out? A third man was locked in an empty room. How did he escape?
A: The first man drank from the springs of the bed, ate the dates off the calendar and played the piano until he found the right key, which he used to unlock the door. The second man looked in the mirror to see what he saw. Then he took the saw and cut the table in half. Next, he put the two halves together to make a whole. Finally, he crawled out through the hole. The third man broke out with the measles.
Submitted by Walter Lowe, aka "Anonymouse"

Q. What's brown and sticky?
A. A stick!

Puns

Three tomatoes are walking down the street, a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. The baby tomato is lagging behind the poppa and momma tomato. The poppa tomato gets mad, goes over to the momma tomato and stamps on him --
(STAMPS on the ground)
-- and says: catch up.

There once was a very large lady in our town. She wore a dress size 16. I knew her when she was young, but she had a much smaller size.
Why do you think she is now wearing a size 16?
I guess she just 8 + 8 (ate and ate).

A man wanting to borrow another man's newspaper asks, "Are you finishe(d)?"
The other man replies, "No, I'm Norwegian."

I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.

A woman was driving in her car on a narrow road. She was knitting at the same time, so she was driving very slowly.
A man came up from behind and he wanted to pass her. He opened the window and yelled, "Pull over! Pull over!"
The lady yelled back, "No, it's a sweater!"

Two friends meet and one of them says:"I've taught my dog how to speak English!"
"That's impossible", says the other man."Dogs don't speak!"
"It's true! I'll show you." He turns to his dog, "How's the situation in England?"
The dog answers: "Rough, rough."

One day an English grammar teacher was looking ill.
A student asked, "What's the matter?"
"Tense," answered the teacher, describing how he felt.
The student paused, then continued, "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter... ?"

Teacher: Rumiko, be careful your purse is open. Someone might take your money!
Rumiko: Oh, no. I left it open so I can get more money.
Teacher: How can you get more money?
Rumiko: The weather report said we would have some change in our weather!

Boyfriend: What is your favorite music group?
Girlfriend: I love U2!
Boyfriend: I love you too, but what is your favorite music group?

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "So what's with the long face?"
Submitted by Joe Cohen Sped Teacher

I hear this new cemetry is very popular. People are just dying to get in.

One day a man went to see the Mozart's tomb.
When he got there, the tomb was open and Mozart was sitting there tearing up pieces of paper.
The men asked: "What are you doing with all of your great works of music?"
Mozart repied, "I'm decomposing!".

There is this man who meets a fairy. He is granted three wishes. Having wished for his most urgent needs the man uses his third wish to ask the fairy to return and give him three more wishes.
The fairy complies and says: "You can call me whenever you want."
"How can I call you. Please tell me your name." the man says.
"My name is Nuff," says the fairy.
"Well", says the man "That is an odd name. I have never heard of it before."
The fairy replies, "Surely you will have heard of Fairy Nuff." (fair enough)

[This one works best when spoken aloud.]
Once upon a time a mother skunk had two children named "In" and "Out". They were very active children and whenever In was in, Out was out. When Out was in, In was out.
One day when Out was in and In was out, the mother skunk said "Out, go out and find In and tell In to come in." Out went out to find In to bring In back in. Within a minute, Out came back in from going out and Out brought In right back in.
Amazed, the mother skunk said, "Out, you just went out to find In and brought In right back in! How did you do it?"
To this, Out replied "Instinct!" [In stinked]

What's the difference between white socks and red socks?
(Students will most likely answer the color)
Then you say, "yes, that's one difference but there's another:
The White Sox play in Chicago and the Red Sox play in Boston!

In London, one man to another:
A: "You know, my daughter has married an Irishman"
B: "Oh, really?"
A: "No, O'Reilly"

A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and asks for a pint for himself and a half pint for Tiny, his lizard.
The barman looks a little taken aback but serves him and Tiny. Finally, curiosity gets the better of him;
Barman: Why do you call him Tiny?
Man: Because he's my newt.
It pays to be prepared to teach newt, lizard and minute afterwards, but expect a few groans as the penny drops!
Submitted by Andy Harvey, Solihull College, UK.

A useful one on homophones :
Once upon a time, somewhere in Europe, a family with three sons lived on a farm. As the farm was too small to support all of them, and the parents were not yet ready to retire, the sons decided to emigrate to South America, where they bought a ranch and raised beef cattle.
Question: So what did they call their ranch?
Answer: They called it "Focus", because that's where the sun's rays meet (sons raise meat).

This is the same joke as above, but an earlier submission and worded differently.
Three brothers started a cattle ranch out west. They were very successfull, but could not agree what to call their ranch. They finally agreed to wire their father back east and abide by his decision. He replied at once they should call it "focus". They did so, but now argued endlessly about why he had given them that name. They sent him another wire to ask why that name. He replied, "Simple, because focus is where the sun's rays meet (son's raise meat)."

A: How do you like your new job at the cemetery?
B: I quit after a week. I found the work too frustrating.
A: What happened?
B: No matter what I said to the customers, they were always dead right!

There were two spies escaping from the enemy over the Alps into neutral Switzerland during the war. As they began to feel safe, one spy starts to tell the other what he found out in enemy territory. The other tells him to speak quietly.
"Why?", asks his friend a little perplexed. "There's nobody around for miles. I could scream and not a soul would hear us up here.....!"
"Ah," replied the other,"haven't you heard? There are mountain ears?"
(mountaineers)

Lynn: Tom's always running into cars in front of him at traffic lights making dents.
Max: Is he really? A wreckless type, huh? What does he do for a living?
Lynn: He is a dent-ist.
(If the student can also speak Japanese, then continue the joke.)
Max: I suppose he's had to pay a lot in damages.
Lynn: No. He usually says "sorry" and gets away with it.
Max: Don't they complain?
Lynn: It may be strange, but they don't.
Max: What are they afraid of?
Lynn: They're afraid of shikaeshi from the dentist!
(For those of you who don't speak Japanese, "shikaeshi" means revenge or getting back at someone while "shikaishi," which sounds similar, refers to a dentist.)

A: Did you hear about the guy with the corduroy pillow?
B: No, I didn't.
A: Really? It made headlines!

Long ones

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"

There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said "The Best Restaurant on this Block."

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now."
(Present continuous / just for fun)

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.
The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
The prof said, "No and I don't care."
The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in
the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
seat near the rear of the bus.
The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what
was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say
things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none on the other. Did you know?"
"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
"The Weather forecast?"
"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke helps highlight the contrast implied.)
Submitted by Dick Tibbetts, Macau

This worked fine with my level 200a on up.
A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursed him.
Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very frightened:
"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"

I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediate to advanced ESL classes have agreed with me.
A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses when he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

----
I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the heck do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc
It is also good to review "any"

A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
The doctor say "Your dog is dead."
The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.
"What! $325? How's that possible?"
"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."
NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.

The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was very happy, and thanked the old man.
The old man said "you're velcome."

Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to correct the grammar.

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"
"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."
"But why don't you want to go today?"
"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
Submitted by: Alastair Rice

This one will perhaps only be good for your more advanced students.
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of you. Get out!'
The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.
'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar and immediately orders a drink again.
The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of string that was in here a moment ago?'
'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'

Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such as limousine, trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to the students as part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished when they started chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriate for your class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.
The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."
He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
George said, "Why the change?"
The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.
(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained $100,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.
"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box."
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I ..sold them."

A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.He is very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a sandwich.When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never change.


I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story.
One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they decided one of them should go out for more beer.
The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how to get to the nearest liquor store.
An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting there putting on his shoes.

This joke never fails to get a laugh.
A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to the patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap." (Draw a box on the blackboard.)
"Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Draw a circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line across the hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."
The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man, "Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another time." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.
One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says, "This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire wraps around his neck and kills him."
The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as before. The slow witted man leaves.
One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent officer and says, (The exact same things)
"Here's the box. Here's the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag line across the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After completing the zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, "and here's the saw blade."
The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther is no cheese. He asks the slow witted man, "Where's the cheese." "Ah-ha," says the slow witted man.
"That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the hole
and says," "Where did you put the cheese."
(When the mouse speeks you must act like the mouse. Stick your head out as if looking into the trap and swing it back and forth as if looking for the cheese.)
The implication is that the mouse will saw off his own head while looking for the cheese. Remember the saw blade?

An lawyer American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two big Bears - a male and a female.
The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.
His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman. The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" said the lawyer, pointing to the male.
The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!"
"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
(The check is in the mail.)

A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said: "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" , the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!", the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" , said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense' and 'trouble'. He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. One day, he only brought 'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home. while the man was so happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense' disappeared. The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywhere but could not find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, "What are you looking for?". The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..", said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'". The lady was annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?". The man whose mind was only about his dogs, answered "At home..."
Submitted by iena. smuc.ac.uk

An architect was very famous because he always ordered exactly enough materials for every building he built. He was very popular because he could build buildings at the lowest possible cost.
After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him when they had finished a 40 story building. "I have bad news," the man said "because we have one brick left over!" "Oh no!" the architect exclaimed, "My ten year perfection record is broken!"
Do you know what he did with the brick?
He threw it away!

When a very tired man got on a crowded bus one afternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting on one seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap. The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driver stopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap.
When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and began noisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating, he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had asked her to move the dog. They began another argument and the lady threw the pickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Just then the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess what the dog had in its mouth?
---The brick!

A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the special and eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter and starts to walk out the door.
The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You come in here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don't understand."
The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.
So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda". It reads:
panda black and white animal; lives in central China; eats shoots and leaves.




Misuse of English - Jokes

English Teacher: "Johnny, the clock on the wall is not working, but you have a watch. What time is it?"
Johnny: "2 o'watch."

A young man comes before the Customs agent.
A: "State your citizenship."
B:"American" (pronounced with a Spanish accent).
A: "Hold on there, buddy. Say that again."
B: "I sed American."
A: "I'm going to give you a test."
B: "No, no senor, no need for test, I tell you I"m American."
A: "Yeah, sure buddy. OK, let's see, ... I've got it. Make a sentence with the following colors: green, pink and yellow."
B: "Oh senor, I tell you I'm American. But OK, let's see... I was at my bruder-in-laws house and the phone went 'green, green, I pinked it up and sed yellow!"

My student who did not speak much English wanted to impress me one day. She had to walk past me while I was talking to someone. She said, "Excuse me, can I pass away?"

The day of the oral exam:
Teacher: Are you nervous?
Student: No, I am not. I am single.
Teacher: Is this your pencil?
Student: Yes, I am a pencil.
Teacher: What are you wearing?
Student: I am fat.

Anecdote -- presented to me, by a student, as a true story
(might be used for introducing a phonology lesson):
The teacher was beginning the lesson and noticed a student dozing.
She said sharply, "Taro, are you _ready_?"
Taro, jolted to attention, replied, "No! I'm _man_!"

These are true stories.
Emiko shared a house with an American guy and his dog. Every month, he puts some flea medicine on his dog. One day, when he was putting the medicine, he told Emiko, "This flea medicine is expensive." She was confused and asked him, "Expensive? Didn't you just say it was FREE?"
Emiko went to a sandwich café with her American roommate. A waitress asked what they wanted. Emiko said, "I have a crab sandwich." Her roommate ordered a turkey sandwich. After a few minuets, their orders were ready. They sat at the table and got a bite. After a bite, Emiko showed her sandwich and said, "There is no crab." "What do you mean? You've got ham, bacon, and…," with a big smile on his face, he said to Emiko, "You wanted to eat CRAB. Not a CLUB sandwich."

Here's an old joke (revamped for EFL classes).
Three EFL students are walking down the road to their remedial listening comprehension workshop.
"It's windy" says the first.
"No it isn't, it's Thursday" says the second.
"Me too." says the third, "Forget the listening, let's go for a drink!"

Two old men were sitting next to each other on the London subway (tube). Their hearing wasn't so good.
One says, "Is this Wembley?"
"No," the other says, "It's Thursday."
The first replies, "No thanks, I already had a drink."

Student to teacher," Are 'pants' singular or plural?"
Teacher, "They're singular on top and plural on the bottom."


A student, who is studying English as a foreign language, was confused when he saw the words "open here" on a box of laundry soap, so he asks the clerk, "Can't I wait until I get home to open it?"